In March 2024, a 21-year-old National University of Singapore (NUS) student was found dead in his campus residence. The police classified it as an unnatural death. No foul play was suspected.
But behind the headlines was something we’ve heard too often:
A high-performing young person, deeply capable—overwhelmed by pressure. Quietly carrying burdens no one fully saw.
It’s heartbreaking. And tragically, it’s not isolated.
From medical schools in KL to Ivy Leagues abroad, students who “did everything right” are burning out, breaking down—or in some cases, giving up completely.
They followed the script.
And still, it didn’t lead where they thought it would.
And that question—What if the world isn’t what you think it is?—keeps looping in my own head.
The Academic Illusion
We were raised on a formula:
Study hard → Get good grades → Get into a good university → Land a good job → Live a good life.
Clean. Logical. Proven.
And to some degree, it worked.
Academic excellence reflects consistency, discipline, responsibility. But somewhere along the way, we turned grades into the goal—not the by-product of character, curiosity, or courage.
We learned to beat the system—memorised past year papers, regurgitated model answers, scored As. But did we truly understand? Did we actually grow?
Imagine this:
One student gets an A* in math because the topic they revised came out.
Another, who understands 90% of the syllabus but misses one chapter—the one tested—gets a C.
Is the A* a true indicator of mastery? Or just timing?
Grades aren’t meaningless. They’re just incomplete.
A single lens. A snapshot. A system signal that often misses what matters most.
This isn’t a modern dilemma either. In imperial China, civil service exams decided one’s future. That was their “good life.” But that world has shifted. The scripts have changed.
Yet many are still living by old ones.
Our parents weren’t wrong—they were navigating uncertainty with love.
In my own family, three of us studied Accountancy—not out of passion, but because my mother believed it was the safest path.
It wasn’t limitation. It was protection.
We slogged through audits till midnight, lost time with family, and eventually realised:
Stability isn’t what we thought it was.
And now, even those “safe” jobs face disruption from AI.
But here’s the twist:
That path taught me structure. Numbers. Accountability.
And today, I lead a company built on those same foundations.
Her assumptions didn’t define our truth.
But they weren’t wasted either.
They shaped us.
So again:
What if the world isn’t what you think it is?
When Assumptions Collide With Reality
Yesterday, we planned a 74th birthday celebration for my father. But heavy rain triggered floods overnight. Everything was uncertain.
Would my parents make it?
Would my sister—overwhelmed, unwell, juggling two young kids in Singapore—still come?
Meanwhile, my day was packed: team reviews, meetings, and a life group dinner session at home.
So I made space:
- Plan A: Celebrate at lunch if they arrived early.
- Plan B: Let my team lead the event while I showed up fully for family.
And here’s the beautiful part: they came.
My sister opened up about things she’d been carrying for months.
My parents, often givers, learning to allow themselves to receive.
We laughed. We reconnected. The cousins ran and played.
It wasn’t perfect.
But it was precious.
Love isn’t about convenience.
It’s about commitment—even through chaos.
Clarity Starts with Listening
Earlier in the week, leaders from CEO office sat with over 50 team members during their increment conversations.
Not to check boxes.
To listen.
What I thought we knew—about morale, motivations, pain points—was incomplete. No dashboard or report could have revealed what those conversations showed.
So many of our leadership decisions are based on assumptions.
And when assumptions are wrong, strategies fail.
In Mandarin, there’s a distinction:
- 决定 – a decision for a moment or person.
- 决策 – a decision that shapes the future of a system.
Leaders are called to make 决策.
But we can’t do that if we don’t shrink our blind spots.
That begins with presence.
And curiosity.
Leadership isn’t about control. It’s not about being at the centre.
It’s about clarity.
And clarity comes from listening—truly listening.
Sometimes, the most powerful leadership is reverse:
- Step back, not forward.
- Create space, not noise.
- Support others, not spotlight yourself.
The Assumption Trap
Every day, we assume:
- The car will start.
- The road will be clear.
- The people we love will understand us.
- We’ll have more time.
Assumptions are part of how we navigate life.
They help us decide, plan, and move forward.
But here’s the catch:
Assumptions aren’t reality.
And when reality doesn’t match, it’s not the world that breaks—it’s our expectations.
Ask yourself:
Am I reacting to what’s actually happening—or to what I thought should happen?
One Conversation. Two Worlds.
That night, I coached a couple.
He loved gym sessions—they helped him reset.
She felt abandoned.
He didn’t mean to hurt her. She knew that.
But she still felt it.
Her pain wasn’t about the gym.
It was about years of feeling unseen, unheard, unimportant.
He tried to explain.
But what healed wasn’t logic—it was empathy.
She didn’t need to be corrected.
She needed to be understood.
That’s the thing about assumptions—feelings can still be real, even if the belief behind them isn’t.
We label emotions we don’t understand as irrational.
But often, they’re just invisible histories we haven’t lived through.
From Empathy to Action: The SEE-HEAR-HOLD Framework
When assumptions collide and people are hurting, try this:
- SEE the person—not the problem.
- HEAR what’s behind their words.
- HOLD the space. Don’t rush to fix. Presence is often enough.
Then—serve.
Not with urgency, but with understanding.
At Stellar, we’ve learned this first-hand:
People don’t stay for salary. Or perks.
They stay because they feel seen. Safe. Significant.
Because someone paused long enough to say:
“That must be hard.”
That one sentence can shift everything.
The Real Test
Whether it’s a flood, a missed grade, or a broken expectation—the real test isn’t how perfect your plan is.
The real test is this:
Can you stay anchored in empathy, without being swept away by chaos?
Because leadership isn’t architecture.
It’s not about controlling every brick.
It’s gardening.
You prepare the soil. You nurture the roots.
You don’t force the bloom—you create the conditions for it to emerge.
Final Reflection
The world may not be what you think it is.
People may not be who you assume they are.
But that’s not a threat—it’s a gift.
If we lead with empathy, if we replace assumptions with understanding—
We don’t just see the world differently.
We change it.
Because in the end, love isn’t soft.
Love is the highest form of intelligence.
Reflection Challenge:
Before your next decision, ask:
What assumptions am I carrying into this moment?
And what might change… if I laid them down?
Leave a Reply