Full STARS Vision Series here:
February 8, 2024
Today reminded me of the power of self-awareness. From visiting the old folks’ home to spending time with my children, every moment reinforced a simple truth—who we are shapes everything we do. And that is why self-awareness is the first ‘S’ in the STARS vision.
I am very pleased that Self-Awareness is the first goal in the five-part vision: Self-Awareness, Teachability, Attitude, Relationships, and Significance. Everything starts with the first.
Without self-awareness, teachability stalls.
Without self-awareness, attitude is reactive.
Without self-awareness, relationships suffer.
Without self-awareness, significance fades.
Why Is Self-Awareness So Important?
Let me illustrate this through an observation of my own children.
My eldest son, being the oldest, is naturally exposed to more things than my second son, who is seven years old, compared to my eldest, who is nine this year.
Because of this exposure, my eldest son comes home with new vocabulary, new experiences, and new interests—whether from friends, cartoons, language, or games. These new influences trickle down to his younger brother, and in turn, the second brother influences the third.
One interesting pattern I have observed is how my second son often imitates his elder brother—his style, mannerisms, and choices. As their father, it is obvious to me that my second son tries hard to imitate his elder brother, even to the point where, when given choices—whether about food, activities, or extracurriculars—he will first ask, “What did my elder brother choose?” before making his decision.
The more interesting part is that this pattern still exists today. My second son still considers his elder brother’s preferences and choices, but at the age of seven, he is also starting to develop his own style. Previously, he would always follow his brother’s choice. Yet recently, this is no longer always the case.
For instance, if I tell him, “Your elder brother chose pizza for lunch,” he might now respond, “Well, I’ll go for a burger.”
Why the Change? Self-Awareness.
I have noticed that my second son is developing a clearer sense of identity. He is starting to make decisions based on who he is, rather than just following someone else.
As a perfectionist, he often gets frustrated when things do not go his way or when people tease him. Naturally, my eldest son enjoys teasing him even more because of his strong reactions. If my second son gets angry, that only motivates his elder brother to tease him further. But if he does not react, the teasing stops.
Last week, both of them attended a formal piano lesson in preparation for their ABRSM examination. During the lesson, my eldest son mocked his younger brother, saying, “You’re dumb. You learn so slowly.”
To my surprise, my second son did not react emotionally, as I had expected. Instead, he responded calmly:
“Yes, you’re right. I am slow. I admit that. But I really enjoy piano lessons. I love figuring out how to get the right notes.”
Wow. I was extremely impressed.
Why Share This Story?
Because we are just older versions of children. We see reflections of ourselves in children. And one of the things I love about fatherhood is that observing my children helps me re-establish my own identity.
Through their responses, I ask myself:
- “Am I also behaving the same way without realizing it?”
- “Am I rebuking my children for behaviors I unconsciously exhibit myself?”
A Life-Changing Realization
I have three sons. Recently, my wife and I discovered that she is pregnant—and this time, we are having a daughter.
For the past ten years, I have spent my life raising three boys, never once imagining that I would one day be a father to a daughter.
Even in the first 12 hours of knowing my baby’s gender, I felt a shift in my self-awareness. It is crazy, isn’t it? I thought I was already very self-aware, yet the learning process never stops—even as a mature adult.
Immediately, visions of my daughter’s future filled my mind:
- The day she is born.
- The friends she will have.
- The boyfriend she might one day have.
- The heartbreaks she will go through.
- The husband she will eventually marry.
- The kind of marriage she will have.
And then, I pulled back to the present moment.
The Father’s Influence – Starting with the End in Mind
When I found out I was going to have a daughter, my mind immediately jumped years ahead—to her future.
- Who will she marry?
- What kind of man will she choose?
- What values will shape her decisions?
- How will I feel on the day I give her hand to her future husband?
And then, a sobering thought hit me—the kind of man she will marry is directly influenced by the kind of man I am today.
If I want her to choose a man of integrity, strength, and kindness, then I need to model that standard in my own life.
If I want her to have a strong sense of self-worth, I must show her what love and respect look like—through how I treat my wife, how I handle conflict, and how I live out my values.
A father is the first artist in his daughter’s life, and her heart is his canvas. His words, actions, and values become the colors that shape her world.
The way he treats his wife, speaks to his children, and carries himself as a man—all of these form the base layer of her understanding of love, respect, and self-worth.
If he paints with kindness, integrity, and strength, she will carry those colors into her future relationships.
But if the strokes are harsh, careless, or absent, the canvas will reflect that emptiness, and she may spend years trying to repaint what was never there.
The father is the first man a daughter ever knows. And whether he realizes it or not, he is setting the standard for every man who comes after him.
That realization is self-awareness in its purest form—the awareness that who I am today shapes the future of the one I love most.
How to Develop Self-Awareness?
1. Reflect – Build a Habit of Self-Reflection
Keep a “3-Minute Awareness Journal.”
Ask yourself:
- What emotions stood out today?
- How did I react in key moments?
- Did my actions align with my values?
2. Seek Feedback – Learn How Others Perceive You
Use the “Mirror Question” Method
Ask 3 trusted people:
- “What is one strength you see in me?”
- “What is one weakness I am blind to?”
- “What is one habit that holds me back?”
3. Adjust – Take Small, Intentional Steps
Apply the “1% Better” Rule
- Pick one small action each week to improve.
Final Thought on Self-Awareness
We chase goals, but the true journey is inward. It is not just about achieving the goal—it is about who you become in the process. Because in the end, the real reward is not the achievement. It is the growth.
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