The Question that Reframed Suffering

It began as an ordinary evening at the gym with a young man I’ve been mentoring. Between sets of weights and small talk about work, he paused and said something that caught me off guard:

“You know, suffering only exists when there’s comparison.”

I stopped mid-rep. The simplicity of it struck me like a mirror.

Was suffering truly born out of comparison? Or was comparison simply revealing what was already there?

That question followed me throughout the day. It lingered as I returned home, as I reflected on conversations with my team, and even as I scrolled through social media. Everywhere I looked, comparison was at work. From billionaires deciding between private jets, to the middle class yearning for the next upgrade, to the ordinary man just wishing for a motorbike.

At every level, the pattern repeated. Someone always had more. Someone always had less.

And yet, at the bottom of that ladder, there was the man who simply wished he could walk. The patient on the hospital bed who just wished to breathe another day. The starving family who just wished to survive.

Comparison doesn’t just measure. It magnifies. It turns blessings into burdens and progress into pressure. But could it also become a compass for growth, if seen differently?

When the Lens Distorts the Journey

In the world of leadership, comparison is everywhere. Leaders compare performance, parents compare children, and nations compare progress. But few pause to ask whether the direction of comparison leads closer to truth or further from it.

The problem isn’t the act of comparison itself. It’s the direction of the gaze.

When comparison turns upward, it often produces aspiration. When it turns sideways, it produces anxiety. When it turns downward, it can produce arrogance or gratitude, depending on the condition of the heart.

Ask yourself: Is my comparison fueling gratitude (awareness) or grievance (envy)?

In psychology, this is called relative deprivation: the tendency to feel worse about ourselves not because of our absolute situation, but because of how it compares to others. It’s the same reason why someone earning RM10,000 may feel poorer than another earning RM5,000 if surrounded by people making RM20,000.

Globally, studies show that happiness levels plateau once basic needs are met. The World Happiness Report has repeatedly found that after a certain income threshold (around USD75,000 a year), increased wealth adds little to life satisfaction. Beyond that point, meaning and gratitude matter more than money.

The same principle plays out in nations. Bhutan’s Gross National Happiness index reminds us that wealth without well-being leads to empty progress. Meanwhile, Singapore’s relentless pursuit of excellence is being balanced today with conversations about mental health and purpose.

Comparison, when left unchecked, blinds us to sufficiency. When guided properly, it brings clarity.

The compass, it turns out, is not broken. We just hold it upside down.

The Paradox of Progress: How We Build on What We Already Have

When my children first started learning Mandarin, I quickly learned that comparison-based teaching fails faster than it motivates. They grew up in an English-speaking environment, so instead of scolding them for not knowing Chinese characters, I began with what they already did well: memorisation.

Each month, we memorised two Bible verses in English. Only after they could recite and understand them did I introduce the Chinese version. They began translating and writing, one step at a time. Over time, their confidence grew. Not because they caught up with others, but because they could see their own growth.

This became a metaphor for leadership development at Stellar. Build on what is working. Layer progress gradually.

John Maxwell calls this The Law of Process: “Leadership develops daily, not in a day.” Like compound interest, growth multiplies through consistency, not comparison. We don’t become great overnight. We become great over time when we learn to magnify strengths before fixing weaknesses.

In the same way, learning a language or leading a team both require compounding, not competing. You begin where you are, build layer by layer, and let gratitude become your accelerator.

When Comparison Creeps into Leadership

The concept of suffering as comparison became real again this month. Our bank unexpectedly reduced our financing margin from 80 percent to 70 percent. It was an immediate shock.

But as I sat with Samuel and the team, I reframed the situation. Before this, we had zero approval. Now, we had 70 percent. Yes, it was short of the target, but far ahead of where we started. The gap had widened, but the foundation had solidified.

It was a moment that tested not just financial strategy, but perspective.

In leadership, crises magnify what comparison hides. When things go wrong, you realise whether your compass points toward gratitude or grievance.

The same principle applied during the pandemic. I still remember one of our kitchen staff who approached me when operations were suspended.

“Boss,” she said, “I can do whatever you want me to do. Just please don’t dismiss me. My family needs this.”

That moment pierced me.

Fast forward a few years later, and some employees now take the same job for granted. It’s not ingratitude, it’s amnesia. The further we move from survival, the easier it is to forget how far we’ve come.

When we lose gratitude, suffering multiplies. When we lose memory, entitlement replaces empathy.

As leaders, our job is not to remove comparison, but to redirect it from others to ourselves yesterday.

When the young man said that, I felt exposed. How many times have I measured myself by expansion, enrolment, or approval? Perhaps the suffering I felt wasn’t from delay, but from distorted direction.

Comparison lowers your leadership lid when it turns inward to self-doubt. It raises it when it turns outward to service.

Strategy Without Envy: What Nations Teach Us About Leadership

Look at India and China. Two nations with ancient civilizations, yet divergent outcomes in modern development.

India chose the intellectual route, prioritising higher education and exporting talent. China chose industrial pragmatism, focusing on building momentum from the ground up. While India produced millions of doctors and engineers, China mobilised millions of hands. Within decades, China lifted over 700 million people out of poverty, a transformation unprecedented in human history.

What can leaders learn from this? Progress is not about competing with others’ strengths. It’s about leveraging your own realities with discipline and strategy.

Malaysia and Singapore offer another reflection. Singapore turned scarcity into focus. Malaysia, with abundance, often drifted into comfort. The principle holds true for organizations and individuals alike: what you do with your constraint defines your future more than what you do with your comfort.

When leaders compare, teams compete. When leaders appreciate, teams collaborate. A Stellar culture grows not from outdoing others, but from out-serving them.

From Excuses to Resources: Reframing the Narrative

When the young man asked me, “How do you deal with failure?”, I told him that failure is neutral. It’s not the end, it’s information. What matters is the question that follows: “What can I learn from this?”

He said he felt lost about defining success. I told him most people can’t define success because they’ve only seen it externally, not internally.

For me, success isn’t a number. It’s a framework.

In The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, Maxwell writes that “Leadership ability is the lid that determines a person’s level of effectiveness.” That lid, in my experience, is lifted not by competition but by contribution.

If you measure yourself only against others, your lid will always lower. If you measure yourself against your own capacity to add value, your lid rises indefinitely.

That’s why I often tell my team: you can have an eye for excuses or an eye for resources. The difference determines whether you build momentum or stay in misery.

Comparison can cripple or catalyse, depending on what you choose to compare against your limits or your potential.

When Gratitude Becomes Strategy

A few months ago, I read an academic review showing that gratitude practice increases overall life satisfaction by up to 25 percent within ten weeks. The data was clear: those who intentionally recorded what they were thankful for not only felt better but also performed better.

The reason? Gratitude grounds perspective.

In leadership terms, gratitude is not softness, it’s strategy. It stabilises the internal compass when external metrics fluctuate. It helps you navigate both the abundance of success and the scarcity of crisis with the same inner clarity.

That’s what separates sustainability from burnout. You can run on ambition for a while, but you can only lead on gratitude for the long haul.

In Purposebility terms, gratitude keeps your trajectory aligned with purpose, not pride. It’s not just about being thankful, it’s about seeing progress without comparison.

Defining Success, Redefining Compass

As our conversation continued, the young man asked, “Then what does success look like to you?”

I smiled. “It depends on the season.”

For Stellar Education Group, success looks like children thriving not just academically but emotionally, with character and curiosity intact. For our preschools, success means teachers finding joy in teaching again. For our corporate service, success means invisible excellence, the kind no one praises because it simply works.

And for me personally, success is when what I build outlasts me.

Every business, like every person, is measured by something. But not every measure is meaningful. The challenge is choosing a compass that doesn’t just tell you where you are, but who you’re becoming.

Because comparison measures distance.

Character measures direction.

And in the end, direction matters more.

The Reverse That Redefines It All

After a long day, as I drove home, I thought again about the young man’s statement. Maybe suffering doesn’t exist because we compare. Maybe comparison exists because we’ve forgotten how to see.

Comparison is not the enemy. Blindness is.

When you compare with gratitude, you grow. When you compare with envy, you shrink. The same tool that poisons can also purify depending on how it’s held.

So perhaps the better question is not “Is comparison good or bad?” but “What compass does it serve?”

If it points you toward others, it will enslave you.

If it points you toward growth, it will free you.

The opposite of suffering isn’t happiness. It’s gratitude.

And the true compass of leadership is not comparison.

It’s contentment with direction, and conviction in purpose.