The Comfort Trap: When ‘Be Yourself’ Isn’t Enough

“Be yourself.”

We’ve all heard it. The motivational posters. The proud parents. The well-meaning friends. “Be true to who you are. Don’t change for anyone.”

But let me say it straight. Staying exactly who you are is often the most dangerous trap you can fall into.

It sounds harmless. It sounds kind. But sometimes, it keeps you exactly where you are, stuck.

I know because I spent years trapped behind the mask of “I’m just being me.” And the “me” I was? A shy kid who believed my story was already written for failure.

When ‘Be Yourself’ Keeps You Small

When I was about 20, my world was painfully small. I was drifting through life, unsure of where to belong. There were days I genuinely believed my greatest destiny was to spend my afternoons selling pirated DVDs at Holiday Plaza in Johor Bahru. If you’d asked me then what I’d become, I’d have told you straight, “Nothing much.”

No one expected more from me. And I didn’t expect more from myself. So I stayed small. That was my “authentic self.” If you’d given me a microphone then and asked me to talk about leadership, purpose, legacy, I’d have laughed in your face. Who was I to lead?

But the funny thing about life is that it keeps showing you a mirror. And sometimes you hate what you see in that mirror, but the truth is, it’s trying to wake you up.

The Awakening: From Small Story to Bigger Legacy

Fast forward. The year my grandma passed away, everything shifted for me. For decades, she’d held our family together like an invisible glue. The reunion dinners, the Sunday meals, the storytelling about how we ended up in Malaysia, the half-faded black and white photos from China, they all orbited around her.

When she was gone, I was asked by my elder aunt to organise the family reunion. She is in her 70s. It seemed simple at first. Book the tables, send the invites. But standing there that night, watching cousins and uncles who hadn’t spoken for years share a laugh over steamed fish and rice wine, I realised something bigger. I wasn’t just organising a dinner. I was picking up the lifeline of our family. I was holding a thread that stretched generations back. If I didn’t do something with it, that thread might snap.

The Lifeline: How the Past Can Rewrite the Future

This is where it gets real.

If you’ve never heard of the Lifeline Exercise, here it is. It’s simple, but not easy. You sit down and you chart your life, from your earliest memory till today. Highs. Lows. Write down every turning point that shaped you. Not just the big wins, but the failures, the heartbreaks, the embarrassments. The moments you’d rather bury and forget.

Why? Because the pain holds gold if you’re willing to look at it differently. You’re not meant to erase your scars. You’re meant to mine them for what they’ve given you.

Here’s an example.

• At 6, I injured my hand badly. A teacher rescued me, and for the first time, I felt loved by someone I thought was fierce and cold.
• At 18, I bombed out of school and thought that was it. I was done.
• At 28, I married. My wife became my first glimpse that family is more than blood. It’s covenant, it’s loyalty.
• At 33, I was drowning in debt and thought money was everything.
• At 38, my parents started aging fast and my own son started drifting away, and suddenly, that was more precious than all the business targets I was chasing.

It’s funny how your priorities keep shifting. For example:

• At 3, your life revolves around a lollipop.
• At 5, it’s a dragonfly you chase all afternoon.
• At 13, a certificate.
• At 18, a university letter.
• At 24, a wedding.
• At 30, a baby’s first cry.
• At 40, your parents’ last words.
• And at 75, maybe your last breath.

We think life is about milestones, but it’s really about meaning. It’s not the certificates that stay. It’s the moments you lived and loved when no one was watching.

Rewrite the Story: Give Every Event Its Gift

Too many people look at their past with shame or blame.

But what if every piece, the pirated DVDs, the debt, the betrayals, the shame, the bruises, are not anchors to drag you down, but bricks to build the leader you’re meant to be?

This is why becoming is different from being.

Being yourself means you accept your story at face value. Becoming yourself means you see the same story through a different lens, one that lets you grow from it.

I still wrestle with my own battles. I’ve shared openly that I live with a fog of depression. It’s real. I’ve sought therapy. I’ve seen it devour my family members from the inside out. But you know what keeps me from sinking into that same pit? Purpose. When you have something bigger than yourself, even your deepest wound becomes part of someone else’s healing.

Try It: The Lifeline Exercise

So here’s what I want you to do before you read Part 2.

Sit down. Take a pen and paper. Draw a simple line across the page. Mark your age every 5 years. Then start adding the events that shaped you. Highs. Lows. Don’t filter it to look good. Rate each moment from +10 (highest) to -10 (lowest).

Then circle your top 3 highs and bottom 3 lows.

Ask yourself: What did each of these teach me? What gift did each moment leave behind?

This is your mirror.

This is where you find the leader hidden in plain sight. Not the one who looks impressive to the world, but the one who will leave behind a lifeline for others long after you’re gone.

From Reflection to Roadmap: The Three Circles

Once you have faced your Lifeline, the next question is simple but brutal. So what?

How do you go from rewriting your story to actually living a different future?

This is where the Three Circles come in.

They sound simple. Living them is the real work.

Draw 3 overlapping circles:

1. What You’re Good At. Your natural strengths, your built-in unfair advantage.
2. What You’re Passionate About. The battles that make you come alive and want to serve.
3. What Brings You Deep Joy. Not just fun, but flow. The work you would do even if nobody claps.

Where those 3 overlap, that is your Becoming Zone.

It is your version of Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle, but rooted first in who you are, not just what the market wants. Your identity holds the Why, the How, the What.

It gives you the power to say yes for the right reasons. It also gives you permission to say no when the world tries to shape you into someone you are not meant to be.

The Lid You Need to Lift

John Maxwell calls it the Law of the Lid.

Your leadership ability is the lid that caps your effectiveness. If you do not lift your lid, you stay stuck. Period.

Back then, when I was just being myself, my lid was sealed tight. No sense of purpose. No reason to change. No family legacy. No vision of impact beyond the day’s survival.

When my roles changed, husband, father, brother, steward of a name that is bigger than me, the lid began to crack open. It still cracks every day. It is uncomfortable. But the truth is, you cannot lead anyone past a place you are not willing to go yourself.

Leadership does not expand because you read about it. It expands when you live it, lid up.

Purpose Is Not Luxury. It Is Survival

Some people think having a strong sense of purpose is an optional nice-to-have. It is not.

Research shows people who feel a clear sense of purpose are 50% more likely to live longer. I look at people like Dr Mahathir, whether you agree with him or not, and you see a man in his 90s still fighting for his convictions. Purpose sends a signal to your body, your spirit, your cells. “I am not done yet.”

Purpose is what holds your head above the water when everything else tells you to sink.

Your Life Wheel: 10 Aspects, One Legacy

Now here is the next layer. You have faced your past. You know your Becoming Zone. Now, you design your future with what I call the Life Wheel.

It is 10 parts. Not about perfect balance. It is about radical honesty. Where you are strong. Where you are fragile.

1. Purpose – your compass and anchor.
2. Health – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.
3. Love and Romance – your covenant with your spouse or partner.
4. Home and Family – your root system.
5. Knowledge and Wisdom – what you learn and pass on.
6. Money and Finance – your stewardship, not your idol.
7. Friends and Social – your trusted circle.
8. Business and Career – your daily impact.
9. Play and Relaxation – your rest and joy.
10. Community and Contribution – your ripple effect.

Most people chase all 10 and hit none, or neglect what actually drives the rest. That is where you need to name your top 3 dominoes, the ones that, when you guard them well, naturally knock down the rest.

For me, my top 3 dominoes are God and Purpose, Love and Romance, and Business and Career. When my purpose is clear, I build something that outlives me. When my marriage is steady, my family stands strong. When my work is healthy, I can learn, grow, and give. Everything else flows.

When Becoming Costs You Comfort

Here is what you need to remember. Becoming always costs you something. Staying as you are feels safe. Comfort is a powerful drug.

But there is a difference between surviving and living.

Brené Brown reminds us that vulnerability is courage. To become is to stand half-naked in front of your past, your people, your future, and say, “This is who I am becoming, scars and all.”

Your broken parts become your credentials. The struggles you survived become the chapters your children and your team will read long after you are gone.

The Reverse That Redefines It All

If you remember nothing else, remember this.

The opposite of leadership is not following. It is self-preservation.

Be yourself, and you might stay safe, small, protected from risk.

Become yourself, and you will lose some comfort, but you will find your calling.

One day, someone will hold your Lifeline in their hands. Maybe your child. Maybe someone you never meet. The question is, will they find a thread strong enough to bind them to something bigger than themselves?

Leadership is never about looking impressive. It is about showing up, bruised, unfinished, honest, and saying, “I am here to serve.”

Your Next Step

So here is your call to action. Do what few do.

1. Draw your Lifeline.
2. Face every high and low with gratitude.
3. Find your 3 Circles. Strength, Passion, Joy.
4. Draw your Life Wheel.
5. Name your top 3 dominoes.
6. Live like you are needed. Because you are.

Be vs. Become.

The leader in the mirror is waiting.