Bedtime and the Paradox
It is late at night. Three of my children are lying beside me on the bed, pretending to sleep but still giggling and restless. Their promises to “sleep early” are already broken, and I find myself keeping mine, being present with them, even in their disobedience. Parenting is rarely tidy. It is raw, frustrating, beautiful.
As I watch them, one paradox surfaces with clarity: All four of my children call me “Dad,” yet each has a different father.
Not because I have changed identities, but because each of them has been born into a different season of my life. The same father. Yet, truly, four different fathers.
This is the paradox of parenting, and of leadership. Parenting looks like shaping them, but often, it is they who reshape us.
The First Child: Overprotected, Overdone
When my first son was born in 2016, Stellar Preschool was just beginning. Parenting and startup life collided. Like many first-time parents in Asia, I captured every photo, every laugh, every step. We bought the best stroller, the newest toys, the finest clothes. Overprotection became our love language.
And yet, research now confirms what I did not know then: overprotection often leads to underdevelopment. A longitudinal study by the University of London found that children raised with “helicopter parenting” scored lower in problem-solving and resilience measures by adolescence. What we thought was giving them more was, paradoxically, giving them less.
In leadership, the same pattern emerges. Leaders who hover, solving every problem, managing every detail, often stunt their team’s growth. They may feel indispensable, but they are actually limiting capacity. John Maxwell calls this the Law of the Lid: leadership ability is the lid on effectiveness. Over-managing is a lid.
My firstborn had a father filled with passion but lacking maturity. I was discovering identity shifts from singlehood to family life, giving up weekend hobbies like wedding photography because fatherhood demanded presence. Every sacrifice was new. Every moment was raw.
The Second Child: Busy, Guilty, Absent
Two years later, my second son was born, right in the middle of scaling Stellar International School. Financial pressures mounted, meetings piled up, our marriage entered a different season.
This time, we were more “experienced.” We reused clothes, skipped some photos, stopped over-celebrating every milestone. But what looked like efficiency carried hidden costs.
Harvard Business School professor Leslie Perlow found that when leaders are “always on,” both family and team relationships deteriorate. I lived that tension. I felt guilty for not being present. The paradox was sharp: the same father, but this son had a busier, more distracted version of me.
This reflects a hard leadership truth: success in scaling often creates absence in presence. Leaders can build institutions while unconsciously neglecting individuals. Parenting mirrored this perfectly, a reminder that scaling without soul costs more than we admit.
The Third Child: The Pandemic Pause
Then came the pandemic. MCO. The world stopped. And so did we.
Our third son was born during this pause. For the first time, I had time. The bathtub became a swimming pool. The balcony became a campsite. Crocodile farms and Orang Asli villages became our family field trips. The baby pool in the yard was as precious as any overseas holiday.
Research backs what we felt: the American Academy of Pediatrics reported that during COVID lockdowns, families who intentionally engaged in play and outdoor time saw significant increases in children’s emotional resilience. Presence, not perfection, was the key.
In leadership, too, the pandemic taught us that slowing down does not mean stagnating. It means realigning. What mattered was not quarterly growth, but family culture, team trust, and personal integrity.
This child had a father who rediscovered presence. A father learning that less really is more.
The Fourth Child: Stability and Stewardship
Four years later came our daughter. By then, life was more stable. We had our home, financial security, and systems in place. She was born into comfort.
But stability carries its own test. Comfort can easily lead to complacency. Parenting research from Pew shows that financial stability often reduces stress but can unintentionally reduce parental urgency.
With a daughter, my awareness sharpened. I knew that one day she would choose a spouse, and that her decision would be shaped by the values she saw modeled at home. For the boys, my task was to teach identity and resilience. For my daughter, my task was to embody the values she would measure others against.
So this season’s father is less about hustle and more about modeling. Less about striving and more about stewardship.
Parenting as Process, Not Event
John Maxwell writes in The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership: “Leadership develops daily, not in a day.” Parenting, too, is a compounding process.
- With my eldest, I learned passion without wisdom can suffocate.
- With my second, I learned busyness without presence can wound.
- With my third, I learned that pausing can heal.
- With my fourth, I learned that stability demands intentional modeling.
Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child confirms that “consistent, responsive relationships,” not perfection, are the single most important factor in building resilience in children. The same principle applies to leadership teams. Gallup found that employees who feel heard are 4.6 times more likely to feel empowered. Presence matters more than problem-solving.
The Evolution of Discipline
Even discipline has reshaped me. I once caned my eldest, following my Chinese upbringing. But over time, I saw it was not enough. I shifted to coaching, point systems, and even bearing the cane myself to show grace, a living metaphor of taking consequences upon myself, much like Christ did.
Research supports this shift: the American Psychological Association has repeatedly found that harsh physical discipline increases aggression rather than compliance. Coaching conversations, in contrast, build emotional intelligence and long-term responsibility.
This mirrors leadership: fear enforces compliance, but coaching inspires ownership.
Leadership Lessons in Parenting Seasons
- Overprotection = Underdevelopment Parenting lens: firstborn’s bubble. Leadership lens: micromanaging teams.
- Busyness = Absence Parenting lens: second child’s lost presence. Leadership lens: scaling without culture.
- Pause = Presence Parenting lens: MCO bathtub pools. Leadership lens: pandemic pivot to values.
- Stability = Stewardship Parenting lens: daughter’s formative modeling. Leadership lens: mature leaders shift from ambition to legacy.
Purposebility captures this with a phrase: Culture before strategy. Identity before position. Parenting reveals this truth daily.
Returning to Bedtime
And so I return to the bedtime scene. Three children restless, one already asleep in another room. Promises broken, but presence kept. The same father. Yet four different fathers.
Parenting is not copy-paste. It is seasonal, paradoxical, humbling. Each child demands not a repeated version of me, but a remade one.
And so the greatest reversal is this:
We think parenting is about shaping them. But often, it is them who reshape us.
