What I Really Want My Children to Learn: A 10-minute conversation that reframed my parenting, my legacy, and what I truly want to pass on.

When Behavior Looks Right, but the Heart Is Far Away

We often praise our children for being “well-behaved.” They sit still. They follow rules. They greet elders politely. But as a father, I’ve learned that good behavior isn’t always good enough. I don’t want to raise sons who are only quiet when I’m watching. I want to raise sons who choose love when no one is watching.

Recently, I had a simple conversation with my two boys, Aden and Eann. We were preparing for a trip to China, and I asked them a single question:

“What’s the one thing Daddy hopes you’ll do on this trip?”

The answer that followed didn’t just reveal their hearts. It revealed mine.

The China Trip, the Kitchen Table, and a Conversation That Surprised Me

The whole thing lasted less than 10 minutes. But it’s etched into me because it wasn’t just about China. It was about legacy.

It began as a casual moment at home. I was prepping the boys for our upcoming trip. I didn’t want this to be a passive experience where they just followed us around. I wanted it to be formative. And so, I asked:

Dad: What do you think Daddy wants you to do during our trip?

Aden: Be obedient. And learn Chinese.

Dad: Why do you need to learn Chinese?

Aden: So I can be successful.

Dad: Why do you want to be successful?

Aden: So life will be meaningful.

Dad: What makes a life meaningful?

Aden: Believe in God. Don’t steal. Don’t lie. Don’t deceive.

Dad: Does believing in God change your behavior?

Aden: A bit… yes.

Dad: Can you still lie or steal if you believe in God?

Aden: No. Because believing in God is like believing in yourself.

Dad: So believing in yourself means you can hit someone who hits you first?

Aden: No…

And then silence. We were approaching something deeper.

Love Is Louder Than Rules. And Much Harder to Teach.

I turned to Eann.

Dad: What do you think Daddy wants from you?

Eann: Learn Chinese. Listen to Papa.

Dad: Why do you need to learn Chinese?

Eann: To talk to Chinese people.

Dad: Why do you need to talk to them?

Eann: So I can understand.

Dad: Why understand?

Eann: Because life will be easier.

Still, it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. I asked again:

Dad: What’s the one thing I really wish to see,not just in China, but in your life?

Silence.

I reminded them of what they had said before: don’t run around, be quiet, don’t interrupt, don’t fight. All good. But not the thing.

Then finally, Aden paused and said:

Aden: Love one another.

Dad: Exactly.

That’s it. Not behavior. Not performance. Not public politeness.

Love.

It Only Took 10 Minutes. But It Might Last 10 Generations.

We don’t love because it’s convenient. We love because we choose to.

Dad: I don’t bring you to work or cafés because it’s easy. I bring you because I love you. If I wanted ease, I’d leave you at home. But I bring you with me, even when it’s hard. Because that’s what love does. And then I asked them to do the same.

Dad: I will love Aden and Eann. I will be patient. I will explain the rules. I will forgive, even when they make mistakes.

Aden: I will love one another. I will share with Ian and Evan. I will be fair. I will be generous. If I get angry, I’ll go to the corner and shout.

Eann: I will love my family. I will love Aden. I will share. Even when I want something, I will give it.

Dad: Can you promise?

Both: Yes.

Dad: Say it together: 3, 2, 1 …

Both: Love one another.

The Real Goal Isn’t Obedience. It’s Ownership.

In many Asian families, parenting means structure, expectations, respect. We prize obedience. But obedience alone creates rule-followers. Love creates leaders. That afternoon, they weren’t just answering questions. They were forming identity.

From “be quiet” to “love one another.”

From “don’t interrupt” to “be generous.”

From “behave” to “belong.”

That’s the difference.

The Reverse That Redefines It All

We often think obedience is the win. That if a child behaves, we’ve succeeded.

But here’s the truth: You can raise a well-behaved child and still fail to raise a loving one.

Behavior is easy to measure. But legacy is hidden in the heart. That afternoon, I didn’t see two boys trying to impress their father. I saw two young men beginning to choose what kind of brothers and what kind of people they wanted to be. And I learned that ten minutes, when done with presence, love, and patience, might matter more than ten years of performance.

That’s the kind of parenting and leadership I want to live out.

Parenting Takeaways: 10 Strategies Behind the Conversation

Here are the styles, strategies, and leadership approaches used in this 10-minute dialogue. These reflect not only parenting principles but also the heart of Purposebility’s legacy-building philosophy.

1. Socratic Questioning

Strategy: Asking layered, open-ended questions to guide discovery.

Example:

• “Why do you need to be successful?”
• “What does it mean to have a meaningful life?”

Purpose:

• Encourages critical thinking
• Helps children uncover values

2. Layered Inquiry (Drill-Down Technique)

Strategy: Peeling back surface-level answers through repeated “why.”

Example:

Learn Chinese → To talk to people → To understand → So life is easier

Purpose:

• Deepens awareness
• Connects actions with motivations

3. Value-Centric Leadership (STARS: Relationships & Self-Awareness)

Strategy: Anchoring lessons in “Love one another.”

Example:

“What’s the one thing I want to see—not just in China, but in your life?”

Purpose:

• Teaches identity before behavior
• Centers parenting on values

4. Teaching Through Declaration (Legacy Confession)

Strategy: Modeling verbal commitments to build clarity and ownership.

Example:

“I will love Aden and Eann…”

Purpose:

• Moves from knowledge to ownership
• Embeds legacy through words

5. Reverse Insight as a Teaching Tool

Strategy: Using discomfort and contrast to spark empathy.

Example:

“Do you think it’s easy for Daddy to bring you to the café?”

Purpose:

• Plants seeds of gratitude
• Builds awareness of sacrifice

6. Gentle Confrontation & Redirection

Strategy: Questioning vague or misaligned answers without shame.

Example:

“Believe in God means believe in yourself?” → “Then does that mean you can bully others?”

Purpose:

• Sharpens moral reasoning
• Encourages reflective correction

7. Inclusive Language & Emotional Repetition

Strategy: Repeating key phrases aloud to create memory anchors.

Example:

“Say it together. Three, two, one: Love one another.”

Purpose:

• Reinforces shared identity
• Builds a family culture of love

8. Story-Based Identity Formation

Strategy: Tying life lessons to real family moments.

Example:

Connecting the China trip to lifelong values

Purpose:

• Makes parenting experiential
• Turns moments into legacy

9. Repetition with Reinforcement (Mastery Approach)

Strategy: Returning to earlier questions for deeper insight.

Example:

“Let’s go back to my first question…”

Purpose:

• Unlocks layered understanding
• Strengthens internalization

10. Coaching Before Correcting

Strategy: Letting the child declare values before expecting behavior.

Example:

“What do you decide to do?”

Purpose:

• Fosters internal ownership
• Reduces fear of failure