8 Jun 2024
Earlier this year, Ps Davidson from D’Oasis JB invited me to speak on Father’s Day service on June 8th. Honestly, this is a topic very close to my heart, so I accepted immediately. Not only that, I even volunteered to speak on discipleship, entrepreneurship, marketplace ministry, etc.
God always works in mysterious ways. For months, I pondered this topic but couldn’t prepare anything. I’ll explain why later. The very beginning of my thoughts were different from what I shared today.
The Importance of Multi-Generational Blessings
We all want to claim multi-generational blessings from God. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what has been promised to us as children of God. The question is, why can’t we seem to get these blessings? Some are frustrated by seemingly better-off Christians. Why is that so?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter if you are a Christian or not. As long as you follow God’s principles, you will be blessed. For example, the Bible outlines the role of a husband, and it makes perfect sense. Following these principles, Christian or not, brings blessings to you and your family. Another example is going to the gym. Does it matter if you’re a Christian? Following God’s natural laws of health brings benefits. It’s both natural effort (human effort) and supernatural (God’s promise).
Reflecting on Fatherhood
As fathers, we should all self-evaluate and reflect. How would we rate ourselves as children on a scale of 1 (worst) to 10 (great)? We could then ask our parents for their rating and have a chance to communicate and understand any discrepancies. Next, we could rate ourselves as husbands and get our spouse’s rating. Don’t be surprised by the difference. There’s nothing right or wrong, just different perspectives that need alignment. Finally, rate yourselves as fathers and get your children’s rating. I believe this is a great opportunity for communication and bonding.
A quote goes something like this: “Every man can be a father. It requires someone special to be a daddy.” Father’s Day often gets overshadowed by Mother’s Day. We don’t go through childbirth and nursing. As long as we get our wives pregnant, we become fathers. It’s effortless. However, being a daddy requires effort. It’s not something we claim, but earn. Do we deserve the title “daddy” from our children, on top of our official relationship of father and son? Does it matter? It depends on the father. Ultimately, it’s not difficult to be needed as a dad. Children are angels. Sometimes they love us unconditionally, even more than we love them. As long as fathers are involved in their children’s lives, they will be recognized as daddies.
fathers are involved in their children’s lives, they will be recognized as daddies.
A Grateful Son
I’m blessed to still have a father at the age of 37. It feels great to have him around. Though we hardly meet these days due to our busy schedules, I occasionally create opportunities to travel to KL with my parents. Sometimes I bring my mom to see a TCM doctor, and my dad to the dentist. Why all the way to KL for a dentist? The answer is obvious. They are worried about taking up too much of my time, so they don’t contact me much. In fact, I’ve told them I really look forward to spending time with them. So, I create situations they can’t refuse (like dental appointments) and book Airbnbs for the occasion. It’s funny how we find “excuses” to spend time together.
That’s us, nevertheless. My dad is a man of few words, and even the few he speaks aren’t surprising. Throughout his life, he held onto a few core values and principles. That’s something I truly respect. He doesn’t fancy anything fancy. He doesn’t crave nice food, cars, houses, or material things. He doesn’t crave luxury travel and isn’t bothered if his peers are better off. He is very secure with who he is and what he has. No matter what you say about him, throughout my memories (not considering those learned from childhood photos), I can only remember him having a Volvo, then a Mercedes masterpiece series, and then a W211 model. Can you imagine? We’re still using the W211 for over 20 years now (2004-2024). That shows how simple a man my dad is.
A few years ago, during a time of financial challenges, I bought him a W213. I attracted a lot of criticism for that decision. But I did it for one reason: 孝順要趁早 (XIAO SHUN YAO CHENG ZAO), which means “filial piety starts early.” Why get a new car, you might ask? Well, it has a lot to do with family history.
My dad is a kampung boy from a small town in Muar, Johor called Panchor. He saw no future in Panchor, so he requested permission from his grandpa to go to KL for more opportunities. He then brought my second uncle to KL, sponsored my third uncle’s studies in KL (who then became a very famous international artist). Basically, most of his siblings ended up in KL because of my dad. Then, they bought a car for my grandpa. That was quite a family legacy as it was the first car ever owned by anyone in Panchor. When I heard this story, I felt so proud of my dad. I heard it when I was very young, so I asked myself, what could I give my dad? He already had everything! Indeed, he wasn’t lacking financially. But getting the first car for his dad, the first car in the whole town, was their family legacy. It had a significant meaning to him, so getting him a car had a deeper purpose.
Our Parents Are Not Our Enemies
When I was younger, I always saw my dad as someone meek because he never fought back with my mom. My mom is super loving, her character is that she would do anything for you. However, she is also hot-tempered and has high expectations. She’s hard on herself and inevitably on the people around her, including my dad. But my dad never left her. When we grew older, we sometimes got upset with him for not fighting back. I remember there was a fight when I was in high school. My dad seemed really upset. I asked him why he didn’t just divorce her. My dad looked at me, and despite being very upset, he told me no, never. Don’t mention that again. Never even think about it.
I was extremely impressed. He suddenly looked like a hero to me. That’s one of the defining moments that shaped what kind of husband I am today and significantly impacted my perception and commitment towards marriage.
The Importance of Being There
My dad is very loving. I can always remember him sending us to and picking us up from school, without fail. Things got more challenging during high school with extra classes. If I remember correctly, my classes ended at 1 pm. If there were extra classes, they would end at 4 pm. That’s a 3-hour difference. It was quite common to have extra classes 2 or 3 days a week, often without prior notice. I couldn’t inform my dad in advance. So, he would come at 1 pm and wait for me until 4 pm. I took it for granted then, but not now looking back. I’m incredibly grateful and amazed, not just for his years of commitment, but for his patient attitude towards waiting for me for hours on end. Whenever I got in the car, he never lost his cool. He was always happy to see me and always had fruits prepared for me. He would handpick the fruits, cut them, wash them, and prepare them for us. Sometimes he would say, “Finally! You’re here. I’ve been holding my pee for hours and I didn’t dare go anywhere.”
He’s my father and beyond, my daddy. He’s the best daddy ever, at least to the 3 most important people in the world: me and my 2 sisters.
Finding My Own Path to Fatherhood
I had a venture before Stellar that I sold off after 3 years. I learned a lot of life lessons from that venture, one of which is how I view parenting. When I was dealing with secondary school students with disciplinary issues, I often had to meet with their parents along with my partner, who was the principal back then. One thing I noticed: the root cause of disciplinary issues for secondary students often came from their family background. The parents were either not living with the children (working in Singapore or for any other reason), or the parents were married but separated. It made me think about what kind of parent I should be if I have kids of my own. That’s one of the key reasons why Stellar was established. I wanted to be closer to the root of education, learn from my children, and more importantly, shape the life of my own children through parenting.
One very important person who entered into my life in 2016 was Dato Peter. To many, he might be my business mentor. But he’s really beyond that. He’s my spiritual father. I have a loving dad, there’s no doubt about it. But Dato Peter has demonstrated what else a dad and a husband could do. I’ve learned how to be a real man, a good husband, an excellent entrepreneur, resourceful, wise, how to love God, serve people, and make disciples. Isn’t that wonderful?
While we might not have perfect earthly dads, and I myself am not a perfect dad either, the truth is, our God is perfect, and he will send great examples for us. This is the case for my encounter with Dato Peter. Many might not be aware that it didn’t happen just like that. I persistently sent him emails, numerous WhatsApp messages, and calls. Finally, I got a chance to meet him, and eventually, he agreed to be my mentor. That was eight years ago. These eight years have changed my life trajectory tremendously. The encounter was something I would describe as a result of both divine and human effort. My persistence showed my dedication, and perhaps God intervened to bring our paths together.. To get him as my mentor required a lot of human effort, playing a very active role, especially if you are trying to get attention from a very busy man.
We grew a lot, in terms of school, team, and maturity. We were extremely busy. Stellar Preschool was established in July 2016, and by 2018 we caught the vision to establish Stellar International School. We pulled five team members from Stellar Preschool to form the pioneering team for Stellar International School. Imagine our life in 2019. We basically fully utilized 365 days. We burnt out, and then got going again. Giving up was not an option. Stellar Preschool was still in operation, at the same time we needed to form a team for Stellar International School, negotiate and renegotiate non-stop with the Korean stakeholders, get funding, design the school, develop the curriculum, source school items, create websites, etc. My second son was born in November 2018. I had a newborn to deal with, together with my wife. At the same time, we were also very actively involved in church activities and met with Dato Peter monthly. In August 2019, we ran our very first summer camp in order to meet the Korean stakeholder’s financial expectations. We were busy with open days, renovation, getting an international school license, running to different government departments, including traveling several times to Putrajaya. We were even threatened with shutting down the school because we refused to bribe. Our team’s confidence in us was extremely low. People were leaving us one by one. From August 2019 to January 2020, we shifted our offices 8 times:
- Stellar Preschool
- Ecowork Co-working space @ Teega
- Stellar International School Cafeteria
- Meridin Medini
- UEM Sales Gallery
- Stellar International School Academic Office
- Stellar International School HQ Office
- Stellar International School Admission Office
Honestly speaking, I didn’t know how we managed to pull through 2019.
The point is not about 2019, but 2020. When we just started the school for three months, the pandemic hit. It felt like a non-stop disaster. We were very lost, particularly because we were too used to such a hectic lifestyle back in 2018 and 2019. When I was talking to my eldest son, Aden, he would rather spend time with his grandma, my mom. I would be like, “Meh… go ahead, I don’t have time for you anyway.” The danger is, I had forgotten why I first started Stellar Preschool. I was pretty conscious about it actually, but I couldn’t help it. Everywhere was crying for my attention every second.
And finally, a pause button for the world. There’s no exception.
**Silence.
The world was silent. A day felt like a week. It was extremely quiet. No sound of cars on the road, the air was very fresh. Finally, you could hear your own heartbeat. I attended church every Saturday evening without fail. I brought my kids for Sunday school, thinking bible class or values were being “outsourced” to the Sunday school teacher. But during the pandemic, I saw my filled-up tiny pool at home (enough for my kids as they were still very young), saw them play inside the pool all day long, and I was reading a book. After a while, they got bored, and I started to let them play with some fish in the pool and add some fun. After a while, they got bored and stopped playing with the pool. So, I added slides into the pool. It wasn’t the most elegant solution, but it was the easiest way to keep them entertained while I spent more time with them. Finally, I started to appreciate the time I had with them. It felt like the good old days. No cars on the road. We all got back home before sunset. We spent lots of time with family.
This newfound appreciation for family time was a turning point. I realized what I had missed out on with my children, and I was incredibly grateful that I was seeing it now, when my eldest son was 4, my second son was 2, and my third child wasn’t even born yet. I started prioritizing quality time with them. We began doing daily reflections together, sharing things we were grateful for each day. We incorporated Bible studies and scripture memorization into our routine. This period of forced togetherness fostered a closeness we hadn’t had before.
Ever since the pandemic, my fatherhood journey has been completely different. I prioritized family much more and slowly began to master the art of work-life integration. For example, I no longer accepted dinner appointments unless they were at my house or via Zoom. Even when I needed to travel to Kuala Lumpur, I made every effort to be back by Saturday midnight so I could spend Sundays with my family. For overseas travel, I prioritized school breaks so my wife and kids could come along.
Thanks to the pandemic, I was able to develop a bond with my children that I never thought possible. Today, being busy is no longer an excuse. It boils down to poor priority management. I realized what I needed to do to be more than just a father, but a real “daddy” to my children. We established family goals, with one of the core goals being that even when our children are financially independent, have their own social circles, and life partners, they would still want to see us and enjoy our company. This goal shapes every decision we make now. We constantly ask ourselves:
- Are we spending enough quality time with them to create lasting shared memories?
- Do we respect them as individuals?
- Do we apologize when we make mistakes?
- Do we listen to them attentively?
- Are we patient with them?
The list goes on.
The Best Gift from a Father
Earlier, I mentioned I’d been pondering my message for Father’s Day at D’Oasis for months. But I only started preparing the night before the service. It was a huge dilemma for me to prepare such a sacred message. I had to ensure the message carried a message from God, not from me. So it had to be authentic, a true testimony. Ironically, I went into depression about a week ago and was extremely struggling with this message. My busy schedule wasn’t helping. Last week alone, I traveled back and forth between KL and JB 3 times. There was a black cloud on my chest that just wouldn’t go away.
I was in control. I could function normally in my daily life. Work helped a lot, to be honest. But not when I was alone. That depressing feeling would resurface. I knew the source: it was because of my relationship with my wife.
As soon as I noticed something wasn’t right, I told my wife to schedule marriage counseling. Finally, we got an appointment slot on Friday, the day before the sharing. I wanted to ensure my heart was in the right place.
Marriage Counseling: A Turning Point
What did I learn from our marriage counselor?
- I’m too goal-oriented and performance-driven.
- I’m too hard on myself, especially at home with my children and wife.
- I have strict KPIs for myself.
For example, I write letters to my wife every night when I travel, but I was upset when I received no reply. When I realized this, I was reminded that I was too self-centered.
The classic example of a self-centered person is someone who always tries to instill their values or standards on others (not referring to work standards here), often by force. Or they try to get everyone around them to agree with their point of view. That’s the first blind spot I saw in myself.
I wanted my wife to connect with me, strictly about life. I got upset when she asked me about grammar and I disliked it. The counselor reminded me that this was a sign for connection. I shouldn’t reject such invitations to connect (she could check online or with AI, but she asked me instead). This reminded me of a verse from Luke 16:10: “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” If I can’t even create a safe space for my wife to connect with me about grammar, what makes me think she wants to connect with me on deeper aspects?
My wife built a wall due to my past unintentional words that hurt her. As a result, we were both acting like porcupines. It’s a self-protection mechanism, yet at the same time, we were hurting each other. When I saw her in tears and heard her fear, my heart started to soften.
The True Gift
Wife is not our enemy. She deserves to be loved. The best gift a father could ever give to his children is nothing material, but to love his wife.
Yes, I have to admit, it’s extremely challenging. But life is full of miracles. It’s always a combination of human effort and supernatural power. We just have to do our part. So finally, nothing under the sun is new. We need to understand that our father is not our enemy. Our children are not our enemy. Our wife is not our enemy. When we are able to stay united vertically and horizontally, we will be able to claim those multi-generational blessings, which were promised to us since Genesis.
Genesis 22:17
I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies.
Remember who our real enemy is. Don’t attack the wrong group of people. Finally, wishing every great hero out there,
Leave a Reply