It’s 8 PM on a Tuesday—durian time. The air is thick with the bittersweet aroma of durian. Daniel and I sit side by side, relishing the creamy flesh of neatly pre-cut fruit as kids swirl around us in a blur of laughter and limbs. On the screen, Dr. Elias’s calm cadence fills the room. Coaching class. Week after week. Year after year.

I’ve been here for three years now. In the beginning, I was the overachiever—pen in hand, eyes fixed on the screen, ready to prove I was “coachable.” These days, I’m still here—but with durian in hand and questions in heart. And strangely, I’ve never felt more committed.

What keeps us returning isn’t novelty. It’s value. Not the kind you get from collecting new coaching tools, but from living the old ones—daily, imperfectly, faithfully.

Sometimes, leadership is less about charisma and more about quiet consistency. As Bruce Lee once said, “Fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but the one who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.”

Leadership’s “one kick” is being relational—showing up, tuning in, and building trust through consistent, caring connection.

What does that look like in leadership? It looks like patience with people. It looks like accepting them as they are, walking alongside them, and staying even when growth feels slow. It starts not with techniques but with self. Self-reflection. Self-acceptance. A willingness to acknowledge that even our good intentions can hurt others.

Because without relationship, there is no leadership. People don’t follow titles; they follow those who care.

This came alive for me during a recent class, as I listened with half an ear and a whole durian. Dr. Elias shared a story about his son, who came home from college frustrated. He wanted to quit. The lecturer, he claimed, was lazy. Most parents would have scolded. Dr. Elias didn’t. He acknowledged his son’s feelings and surprised him by agreeing with his logic.

Then came the shift. “Since when did you become the headmaster?” he asked. “You’re not here to manage the lecturer. You’re here to study.”

It was a masterclass in calm clarity. A lesson not just for students, but for leaders. How often, in moments of tension, do we pause to affirm someone’s emotions before inviting them back to responsibility?

I thought of moments where I rushed to fix rather than feel. Times I offered answers when all someone needed was acknowledgment.

This is the heart of effective coaching. Not controlling, but connecting. Not correcting for the sake of being right, but guiding for the sake of growth. It is all about connecting the dots.

Dr. Elias’s coaching principles are simple, yet transformative:

• Selflessness: Don’t get lost in others’ emotions. Step back and ask, what is really being said?
• Acknowledgment: Praise the effort, not just the result. When was the last time you thanked someone for trying?
• Identification: Name the reality—clearly, kindly. Mirrors don’t lie; they reflect.
• Listening: Be an elephant, not a crocodile. Big ears. Small mouth.
• Accountability: Don’t carry their weight, but don’t let them walk blind either.

Leadership isn’t about drama. It’s about timing. As I watched the screen and savored another bite of durian, I realized: It’s not about how hard we work or how smart we seem. It’s about doing the right thing, at the right time, with the right heart.

Coaching is not a session. It’s a way of being. It’s not what you know, but who you are while you’re knowing it. If you care about people, they will feel it. And when they feel it, they listen. Not because they must, but because they trust.

So we keep showing up. With durians. With questions. With hearts willing to be reshaped—not just into better coaches, but into braver, more relational leaders.