Yesterday was the anniversary of my grandmother’s death. I was very close to her. Recently, I’ve been attending many funerals, almost as frequently as church. But losing Grandma was the first time I felt the loss of someone incredibly close to me.
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Yesterday, I also attended my friend’s father’s funeral. She made a powerful statement beside her dad’s coffin: “He is no longer there.” She said it with full conviction. We all know where he is, and we will be reunited again as brothers and sisters. That’s the most powerful hope we all have – the hope of eternity. This itself differentiates us from many others, from how we view life to how we live it. That explains all the suffering we have on earth and why the gracious and merciful Lord allows it.
Think about going to the gym. Don’t you have to go through the pain to build fitness, endurance, and stamina? What does going through the pain mean? It’s meaningless within the gym; it’s just a training ground. Life, however, is where you get to enjoy the benefits of your hard work at the gym. It’s outside the gym that you feel stronger, more energized, and capable, allowing you to experience life to the fullest in ways you couldn’t before.
During my good friend’s dad’s funeral, we had a chance to talk, and she told me she wouldn’t want to have children. Why bring children into the world when we know they will suffer? Two days ago, during a coaching session, I was asked, “How would you respond when your superior yells at you, shouts at you, never appreciates you, and on top of that humiliates you?” I responded that I would find out what happened. If that happens all the time, leave without hesitation. If it’s a rare occasion, brace through it and try to find out what happened to your superior, what caused the trigger, and how you can support them.
Similar to life, there is heartbreak, suffering, and challenges. However, most of the time, aren’t we enjoying life? Be it at work or at home. While I understand and respect that the word “enjoyment” is subjective, I do have my own definition of joy.
First, let’s look at enjoyment, happiness, and joy. They are not mutually exclusive, yet they have distinct characteristics.
Joy vs. Enjoyment: Imagine a Beautiful Garden
- Enjoyment: Smelling a fragrant flower brings a brief moment of pleasant sensation.
- Joy: Taking the time to care for the garden, watching it flourish, and appreciating its beauty brings a deeper sense of satisfaction and fulfillment – that’s joy.
Joy vs. Happiness: Imagine a Beautiful Journey
- Happiness: Encountering beautiful scenery along the way. It enhances the experience but doesn’t change the destination.
- Joy: It’s like reaching the summit of a mountain after a difficult climb. The view from the top, the sense of accomplishment, and the deeper understanding of your own capabilities bring a more profound and lasting feeling. Even the scars from the climb become a badge of honor, reminding you of your strength and resilience.
Joy vs. Enjoyment & Happiness: Imagine Eating Cake
- Enjoyment: Imagine taking a bite of the cake – the sweetness and flavor you experience in that moment is enjoyment.
- Happiness: Finishing the entire cake and feeling satisfied is similar to happiness.
- Joy: Baking the cake yourself, from sourcing and gathering ingredients to the final product, is like experiencing joy. It requires effort, skill, and perhaps overcoming challenges, but the finished product embodies a sense of accomplishment, creativity, and the potential to share joy with others. This brings a deeper and more lasting satisfaction than simply enjoying a slice.
Every morning, I fetch Aden & Eann (1st & 2nd sons) to school while my wife gets Evan (youngest son… yet) ready so he can sleep a little longer. Today, I’m only with Aden because Eann wasn’t feeling well. We did our usual routine: morning prayer and going through six scripture memorizations. Since there was only one person, it ended a bit sooner than usual. So, I started talking to Aden and told him how grateful I am to have him as a son. I told him that raising him was extremely challenging, but we had so much joy at the same time, and I would go through the whole process again and again and again (yes, three times, so I have 3 kids!). He got a bit confused and asked how challenges and joy could go hand in hand.
Sometimes, children are the best people to learn about life from. When you can explain life in a way that a child can understand, it means you are able to achieve such high clarity of life that even a child could understand. Last year, our family went to Japan together. It’s a common, cherished memory we share: I caught hand, foot, and mouth disease from my children, who recovered quickly. But right before departure, I got very sick – hands and legs in pain, throat full of ulcers, unable to eat, and physically weak. Yet, we still had to catch a midnight flight to Osaka. We walked 20,000 steps daily, woke up super early to catch trains, managed three boys who fought constantly, even experienced the terror of a child going missing (almost losing him because he didn’t get on the train). We braved the cold to get our clothes washed at midnight, then went back to sleep only to wake up again in the middle of the night to dry them. We overslept and rushed to the airport like crazy, finally managing to catch the last call flight to Tokyo. The list goes on.
But the point is, do these challenges really matter to us in the sense that they would prevent us from looking forward to the next trip? Not for me. Not for Aden either. Then why do we still have to endure such challenges? Why is the experience so consistent for both Aden and myself? It wasn’t merely a vacation; it was a shared experience that deepened our bond as a family.
We recently came back from China for a work trip. This was even tougher – lots of meetings, midnight flights, and less entertainment. Still, we look forward to the next trip. Why?
Let’s look at something more relatable. Want to know the joy of parenting? Talk to parents. While there are some who might not appreciate parenthood, the majority cherish it so much that they completely change their lifestyles to revolve around their children. The impact starts externally, with things like renovating the house to be child-friendly and changing schedules to fit school hours. Internally, lifestyles, routines, and even behaviors change. I personally stopped having late-night appointments so I could be home with my children. I stopped cursing and started using positive language. I began working out, watching my diet, and appreciating my own parents more, recognizing the importance of prioritizing family well-being. One of my favorite quotes by Elizabeth Stone perfectly resonates with me and sums up parenting in one sentence: “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Does that sound like suffering? Why / Why not?
Notice how I use “challenges” instead of “suffering”. As a parent, I no longer view these things as suffering, but as a price I’m willing to pay, or challenges I’m willing to face, for something greater – a heart walking outside me. In the earlier stages of my parenting journey, I couldn’t differentiate between responsibility and sacrifice versus love, challenges versus suffering, and joy versus happiness and enjoyment. Love is overflowing. It seems strange and illogical if you look at it from the perspective of a battery-powered machine: the more you use it, the faster it drains and eventually runs out of energy. But parenting is more like weightlifting or running a marathon. The more you work out, the heavier weights you can lift; the more you run, the longer you can run. The more you give, the more blessed you would be, and the more you could give in return. The strange thing is, seeing these activities from the outside, they might appear like suffering, filled with responsibility and sacrifice, seemingly done at the expense of happiness and enjoyment. Yet, why do people continue to choose to be parents of many children, to go to regular workouts, and to run marathons over and over again?
Taking sustainability into consideration, I can honestly say that personally I’ve enjoyed most of the past eight years of parenting, so much so that I almost wish my children would never grow up.
So, what truly differentiates challenges and suffering?
Purpose.
Suffering without a purpose is like sinking in quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you get sucked in, leaving you feeling increasingly helpless and drained. With a purpose, suffering becomes challenges that you will overcome. With a purpose is like climbing a mountain. It’s difficult, and there will be moments of doubt and exhaustion, but with perseverance and effort, you reach the summit, where you’re rewarded with a profound sense of accomplishment, and a breathtaking view as a bonus.
Going back to the workout analogy again, getting to the gym is challenging. Working out is challenging. But the outcome is enriching. The same goes for having a strict diet, reading or any form of self-improvement, learning a new skillset, hobby, or habit (like me picking up writing a blog since April 2024), or even fixing a broken relationship. Yes, it might be difficult enough to take the first step. But with a strong enough purpose, suffering can be transformed into challenges, hurdles to overcome in pursuit of goals or milestones. This pursuit itself brings a sense of purpose and the reward of breakthrough.
Up to this point, we’ve only been referring to earthly joy. We haven’t even begun to explore eternal joy, which we’ll leave for another time.
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