The Coaching Mirror: See Beyond Your Blindspot

Experience of Coaching PK in China

On my recent trip to Shantou, China, I was invited by Dr. Elias to a PK coaching session with another coach from China who had been practicing for the past 14 years. I agreed, not because I was confident I could beat them, but because I could learn a lot from such an experience.

The previous session where I experienced exponential growth was months ago when I was attending Dr. Elias’s coaching session via Zoom as an observer. As that day was a public holiday in Malaysia, when I got back home, to my surprise, my wife arranged a steamboat session and invited some friends over for dinner. We usually have Dr. Elias conclude the day’s session as the master coach. But that day, Dr. Elias asked if I could conclude.

I was supposed to observe the session merely as an observer (which is much more relaxed, no stress). But to conclude, I was shocked by such a request because I was busy entertaining my guests most of the time. However, I accepted the request anyway, which I didn’t regret at all. There’s a saying, “Growth is about doing things that are impossible.” I experienced this statement fully, as I felt I had experienced almost vertical growth to another level after that session.

The second time I experienced such steep growth was when I accepted the request to PK the coach from China who had been practicing coaching monthly for 14 consecutive years. I was very nervous, but once again, I experienced exponential growth.

So, What Exactly Did I Learn?

Many people have different understandings of coaching. What exactly is coaching? The most common understanding is a sports coach. So far, I find that Dr. Elias’s definition of coaching has given the word the greatest value. While there’s a full definition of the word coaching by Dr. Elias, there are three basic functions for a coach that could help others:

1. A coach is a mirror to help others reduce blind spots.
2. A coach acts as a compass to give another person direction.
3. A coach is a catalyst and helps others achieve their goals in a shorter period of time.

Isn’t it great? As a coach, you help the coachee reduce blind spots, like a 360-degree camera for a car. It’s impossible for a driver to see the full picture. They definitely need help. Is it the driver’s fault? No. But it’s definitely a need for every driver. Then you provide direction for the coachee as a compass. The question is, how? There’s a saying that goes, “旁观者清 [páng guān zhě qīng]” (bystanders see things more clearly). One key coaching skill is to practice the skill of getting insight from the conversation and figuring out the actual issue that truly troubles the coachee. Sometimes, even the coachees themselves are confused about what’s really troubling them. You can help them gain clarity on whether it’s just emotional trouble or real trouble. Finally, once they get a clear insight, they can achieve their goals in a shorter period of time when they are not clouded by their blind spots or emotions.

Do We Listen to Reply or Listen to Understand?

Most of the people I know are really helpful. But one common thing I observe is that people often help others with their own perception. A common thing you hear is, “I understand because I have a similar experience too!” Then you start sharing what worked for you based on your context, which sometimes, sadly, has absolutely no value to the person who seeks your help. That’s not empathy. That’s trying to be helpful. Sometimes it’s even irritating, and you might be asking yourself, “I’ve tried my best, with all I am, to help. Why are people not grateful and even despise me?”

What’s the Culprit? What’s the Real Issue?

Self-centeredness.

Yes, self-centeredness. You might not even be aware of it yourself. Many people fall into such a trap, even the nicest person with good values. For example, I’m a Christian. According to Christian teachings, same-sex marriage or transgender relationships are not allowed. So when we encounter such groups of people, the first thing we do is judge them as if we are God who set the rules. That is self-centered, at least from a coaching’s point of view. We shouldn’t have a standard to judge others. Otherwise, we can’t help others.

A story from the Bible illustrates this perfectly. A group of angry Pharisees wanted to stone a prostitute to death. Jesus challenged them, saying they could only throw the first stone if they themselves had never sinned. One by one, convicted by their own conscience, they left.

The moral of this story? We all have flaws. It’s a reminder to focus on understanding and helping others, for who are we to judge, especially if our goal is to help others? You have your flaws, be it hidden or open. I have mine. We all carry past baggage in one way or another. But that’s okay. None of us are perfect, and our past doesn’t define our future as long as we don’t live in the past or allow it to control us. Likewise, we are in no position to judge anyone.

Why I Love Learning Coaching

Dr. Elias’s coaching sessions have seven levels. He awards coaches according to their coaching skills, personally. I was quite excited when I was promoted to a level 3 coach and wanted to perform better. The coaching system he designed is simple and brilliant. Every session has a trainer coach and a coachee who needs to prepare a case that troubles the coachee. There’s also a chairman for every session, a timekeeper, four observers, and Dr. Elias or an assigned coach who will provide insights and conclude the session. You get to see the same case from five different angles (when you take on different roles), minimizing blind spots almost like a 360-degree camera.

When I first started, I always chose to be a timekeeper or observer because I lacked confidence. When I was assigned as a coach, I realized it’s very different. You might be able to see the case very clearly as an observer, but it’s a totally different story when you’re the coach yourself. Many people fall into the trap of getting caught up in the situation and are unable to act as a mirror for the coachee to see the issue clearly. In some cases, the coach has a set of values or answers, again failing to help the coachee gain clarity. There are also cases where the coach gets drawn into the situation themselves. The situation is like trying to pull someone up from a pit. You can’t pull them up and instead get pulled down and fall into the pit together. That’s what happens sometimes.

At the beginning, I was busy taking notes as the coachee was trying to share the case. What exactly was I taking? Questions! I kept taking questions nonstop and thought that was the way. The outcome? I asked a lot of stupid questions that had little or no value to the coachee.

What Have I Learned During the PK Session in China?

Of course, I was very nervous even before it all began. They were so serious about the whole coaching session. Then the coachee came up and shared his story. Before he started sharing, he couldn’t help but start weeping. This got me even more nervous. He shared that he felt guilty for not being able to help his friend who suffered due to taking care of a special needs child. The coach from China was super calm and brilliant. He created a coaching space (trust) for the coachee to feel comfortable and open up. His coaching approach provided great comfort to the coachee.

Then came my turn. I stopped taking notes to write down questions. I wanted to learn to listen to understand instead of listening to respond. I wanted to listen fully, focus on him, and listen to the deeper layer of struggles in order to guide him. During my turn, I grabbed an opportunity to ask questions about a statement he made. He said he couldn’t help. So, I asked further about his definition of “help” and the ideal state he wished to achieve. I asked some other key questions as well. I felt I had identified his situation and trouble quite accurately, but I fell into a common trap: I provided him with a solution rather than guiding him with transformative questions.

Then, some other observers who were real experts in this field asked great questions that I learned from. For instance:

• How does guilt help in such a situation?
• Does your friend need you to be guilty?
• What’s the real feeling? Guilty or helpless?
• What are you fearful of in the future? Is it the truth or merely an assumption?
• I also learned from some great coaches’ comments to focus on the coachee, not others. Don’t dwell on the situation.

What a great day to get so many huge insights on the art of coaching! I would like to thank Dr. Elias for such an opportunity.

Does the Benefit of Coaching Only Limit to Professional? What About Life?

I have to admit, I have a tough character. I’m determined at the same time stubborn. The best part (and worst) is that my wife is the same too! But we have totally different talents. I’m a visionary and big-picture guy, while she’s great with details and can come up with lots of possibilities with one new idea or proposal. I’m people-oriented, while she’s totally task-oriented. I’m routine and consistent, while she goes with the flow. Because of that, we often entered arguments, which often came at the expense of our relationship.

However, after months of learning coaching skills, I realized our arguments have reduced tremendously. Of course, it wasn’t a process that happened overnight, but a gradual practice of listening attentively to what she wanted to express, her inner struggles, or deeper confusion. Eventually, it slowly became a habit: most of the time, providing a solution isn’t what they’re after. Imposing my values is just fulfilling my self-centered ego with little or no other benefit. Most of the time, the outcome ended up in arguments.

Slowly, I’m trying to master one important element of the art of coaching: listening. Listening not to reply, but to understand. Slowly learning to tune down my self-centered nature and my own value system. Yes, I might still do it sometimes, but I want to respect her point of view. What has contributed to such a value system that’s different from mine? What has caused her to pay more attention to certain areas than others? Is there any past experience? Is it due to family upbringing? Gradually, I’m learning to seek to understand, seek to connect the dots. When I’m able to paint a picture, chances are I will be more accepting. When I’m more accepting, chances are we argue less. It’s quite a magical process.

So it’s true what they say, that a lot of the time it’s not about the matter but how we view that matter.

The same applies to my relationship with my children. Most of the time, I carried the perception that I am the father, and you are the children, and you should listen to me. When my goal is to listen to understand, sometimes what I discover is the issue lies with me.

Does it sound like I’m getting weaker and at a disadvantage?

It’s precisely the opposite. Why do I say so? No hard rocket science. When you started to think that it’s always other people’s issues, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about the situation, that’s a sign of weakness and helplessness. But when you acknowledge what is within your control and what is not, focusing on what you can do to change or influence the situation, most of the time you will notice you gain greater power. The truth is, the only person in the world that you can fully control and change is yourself. Once you are able to change yourself, you started to witness things around you change. So it’s not a sign of getting weaker or in a more disadvantaged state, but more of a sign of being stronger. A better listener, a better servant, which makes a better leader.

Ultimately, you win people’s hearts and gain greater respect. By focusing on others’ needs, you become a better leader. You can guide them, serve as their non-judgmental mirror (a mirror simply reflects truth, doesn’t it? We trust it to show us what’s there), and ultimately, help them achieve their goals faster. Isn’t that the essence of leadership?

When I began learning coaching skills with the goal of helping others eliminate their blind spots, I discovered the most valuable lesson was reducing my own.

So, let’s all look in the mirror, believing that the person we see has incredible power to change the world, starting with ourselves.